Hoax

Does everyone feel like a hoax as much as me?? I guess that sounds like a stupid question, haha. I was commuting into London this morning as I am on placement there, and sitting on the train ... this is something that I have spent a lot of my life dreaming of doing- having some high rising London job where I can dress smart and commute to a 9-5 job and just generally feel quite important. So anyway, there I was, book open on my lap, dishevelled attempt at smart clothes, a far too slovenly slouch than is proper, amongst lots of other commuters who all on appearance were doing a better job than me at looking important and interested in their various papers.

Anyway, I was not focussing well on my book, and found myself picking my face (one of my worst habbits) but suddenly I froze, thinking, 'oh no! They might be onto me! I can't do ugly things like pick my spot on my forehead on the train to LONDON! They'll realise I'm a hoax! They'll notice that I'm not really a mature, posh, wealthy, good looking, with etiquette high-rising London worker!'... It didn't take long to realise that my dishevelled slovenly appearance had probably already given me away...

Then I started (secretly) eyeing up the chap next to me. He had the times open (well, not open, it was the front page), and it took him quite a while to turn into it so I'm not sure he was focussed either. He had all the right appearance things going for him. Quite humourously he did sneak in a pick of the nose whilst I was observing... I wondered if he wondered if anyone was 'onto him' too?

I wondered if that train was full of people hoping that no one would notice that they weren't actually good enough, cool enough, popular enough, fun enough, good looking enough, posh enough...

Having always aspired to be someone who had a good job and dressed well and commuted to London, I thought that's what it looked like to 'make it' in this world. I thought it would probably feel special. And there I found myself feeling like a child in her mum's high heels at a cocktail party... but maybe that's all it is! Maybe there's some people who've been at it long enough that they've convinced even themselves that they've made it... but I'm not sure.

I'm not really sure whats the point of that, but it really made me stop. I think each time I grow up (which is happening very, very slowly) I realise that really I need to grow down, becoming great in this world's eye's is really not all that...

I am so glad that my value is in something other than making it in this world, because I would definitely be a hoax!